Does anyone have neighbors; rude neighbors? Or, if you somehow manage a lonely commute between Moscow, Idaho and the Moon these days, have you had disagreeable people-next-door in the past? I have neighbors. And I'm not talking about the nice family in their blue Buick; they smile and wave as they pass my house on their way to the next furry convention (day care and hopefully a petting zoo will be provided); different, yes, but at least they're decent people and throw one hell of a barbeque.
No, I'm talking about the other guy; the hardcore body builder, head shaved so that everyone will recognize his ass-kickery, holed-away with his exotic wife, imported all the way from Minnesota. Sometimes it sounds like they're building an amusement park over there, other times it's more of a kittens through a paper shredder sound. Together though, they have experienced the tragedy of lifting weights without electrolytes, the horrors of pick-your-own fruit farms, and a regular following of Minnesota Public Radio (and to think, for all these years, Garrison Keillor has led me to believe Minnesotans are friendly people). Neighbors whom appear mid-twenties and worldly in the ways of protein shakes and spreadable butter, why are you so distant and reserved? Are you so much hipper than me because your ex-governor helped Schwarzenegger defeat the Predator? Is it because my ex-senator was caught toe-tapping in your airport bathroom; is that why when i say "Hello", you glare at me like I'm suggesting a three-way, and then walk off without so much as a handie?
Here's a new exercise to throw into your glamour-muscle work-out calendar: Smile. Smile and say hello to me, your neighbor. Be more like the imaginary Furries next door, and strike up conversation, about anything. Hey, maybe I've got a calf muscle that I'm particularly proud of and we could compare lifting schedules. Are you going out to get a sandwich? And I'm just smoking on the porch? Invite me; I eat too, especially sandwiches. Are you doing anything tonight? Lets watch a movie; you have a t.v. I have the Rambo box-set!
... I'm getting all together too imaginative with the severe situation of the seriously strong stranger, who is at this moment, breaking kittens. Christ, can he hear me typing this right now? what if he finds this post on the internet? He'd probably post a comment, on my face, with his frightening fists! Help! Someone call the vet; this guy's pythons are syck!
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Mean people suck, especially neighbors. I feel for you. On the bright side, however, your situation inspired an awesome post. This was fun to read.
ReplyDeleteI, too have an unfriendly neighbor. When my father-in-law came to visit, he came over and asked us to keep it down (at 9:00 pm on a Saturday). Now, he goes out of his way to shoot us dirty looks. Interesting and very relevant topic--excellent characterization of these neighbors!
ReplyDeletehaha! I know just what you mean! I live 8 miles out of Moscow and I have this millionaire neighbor that we assume is a drug lord because he has a strange tendency to shoot automatic weapons in the middle of the night! He is a total jerk too!
ReplyDeleteLove the play with language here, and the way you took us from the moon to Ventura to Garrison Keillor and sandwiches in a swift, controlled pace. By the way, this is what we call "Minnesota nice." :)
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