You Are Beowulf

Even though I wake up early every morning, things aren't always very clear. That is to say, after two cups of coffee or four, there is really no guarantee I will be able to perform any academic feat, or read, or perform basic math. On Wednesday morning, I began my walk to the University of Idaho campus with wet hair that made my temples pulse when my boots touched the ground, my scarf breathing moist air back into my mouth when I exhaled.
In front of the Administration building doorway, in bright sidewalk chalk, someone had written a message. And on the other side the same message. And by the door to the Commons the same message. Which I read.

Which I read incorrectly.

Which I read to be "You are Beowulf." And I thought. YES. I AM.

And I carried on. I did homework, I ran errands, I thought, Yeah. I can do this because I AM Beowulf. A strange way to advertise, but if the Christians can hand out peanut butter and jelly, in the Commons, at lunch, the whoevers can write in chalk in front of every building. Except of course that it didn't say Beowulf. Why would it say Beowulf? It said

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Which doesn't mean the same thing, but does mean that strange men will approach you and hand you business cards that don't mean business. That say, "You are Beautiful" on the front, and "You are a beautiful individual, full of life and promise. We appreciate all that you do and support who you are" on the back. As you should. And maybe it is nice or uplifting, but I am approached by a number of men which means either: 1. I am one sexy lady 2. I am NOT one sexy lady 3. I look very sad and in danger of behaving irrationally and could therefor really use a card from a man who would never talk to me under normal everyday not women-loving circumstances.

Either way.

There is a man in a bear costume and its not happy or comforting, but creepy. What sort of man is in that costume, and does he think I'm beautiful too? Or not? He's smiling his brown bear smile which is creepy and hairy and makes me feel uneasy and not safe and certainly not beautiful. It makes me feel like I need to make a phone call, which is fake, to avoid more of the man bears that might send me well-intentioned not business cards.

I appreciate the sentiment. I appreciate that you love women, because I think they're pretty great too. I appreciate your stance on domestic violence. I, myself, think you men are, yourselves, quite lovely. Beautiful, even.

However, instead of writing "You are Beautiful", I would appreciate more candor. More feminist-in- me hates it but humorist cheers it on candor. More brutal college man, say hello at the bars,which you wouldn't, candor. Please consider writing the following:

-"You have low self esteem"
-"I'd certainly, after a number of beers, ask for your number on a dare"
-"You got a butt that won't quit"
-"You look like the kind of girl who is into role play"
-"I'd take you to dinner and never call you again"
-"I'd tap that"
-"You're average but you seem pretty smart"
-"You're pretty hot, but I'm not looking for a relationship"

What would you write?